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[Oct. 9th, 2009|07:21 pm] |
Life's been too good, I don't have anything to update this with. Everything I've written here in the past couple months have been passing thoughts, not thoughts to be dwelt upon. John and I are fantastic. I'm learning my way around life's responsibilities. I'm happier and making it a point to have fun. I'm starting to get where I want to be in life, faster than ever before at least. My family is supportive and helping me push myself just a little further. I could still use a few good friends, preferably people who won't make me feel bad for being me. Other than that, well, I'm good.
Later days~~ |
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[Oct. 1st, 2009|10:14 am] |
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It's easy to tell who, or what, I was thinking of when you look at what I've been listening to. That is, if you know me well, or were around me during certain periods of my life. Try it out, what's been going on in my head lately? http://www.last.fm/user/nicoledoubleyou |
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[Sep. 15th, 2009|10:36 pm] |
Remember all that fuss I made about how I shouldn't need to change myself to feel accepted? Well, I think I did. And I think that might be a lot of my problem.
Dying my hair sucked the remaining life i had out of me. Red hair FTW. |
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[Jul. 30th, 2009|01:46 pm] |
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I miss having a girl in my life. I have my mom now though, we're getting our nails done together on Tuesday! :) |
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[Jul. 17th, 2009|02:19 am] |
Posting on my new (old) MacBook.
I need a longer cord and new battery, who can tell me the prices/hook me up? |
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[Apr. 12th, 2009|12:41 am] |
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I would like everyone that reads this to know that you may have been cut as a LiveJournal friend, but only because I'd like to be more exclusive on social networking sites. Nothing about this has anything to do with how I feel about you, just that we honestly aren't close and I', sure you're disinterested by most entries I write, anyway. I am too, so it's cool, but privacy has become more and more of an issue. I am sorry. |
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[Mar. 10th, 2009|06:30 am] |
I've been up all night and I know it'll make tomorrow a bad day. Why do I sabotage myself so obviously? Granted, I was having fun until around 4am with my friends playing board games, yeah we're nerdy like that. Sometimes the boys just played DotA, a Warcraft game.
I don't know why I'm updating. I'm updating because I need distraction from the negativity in my head about staying up all night. You could tell me to go to bed, but I don't want to mess with my biological clock too much. I'm just upset that I've reached, essentially, the point of no return. I have to get up in just a few hours, I can't seem to tire myself, and nothing productive happened during my lack of sleep. I really need to be in college and have essays to write, instead of typing mostly nonsensical livejournal entries. Maybe that's a "hobby" to pick up- just start writing essays. I love writing, I love researching, and it'd make good use of my off time. Did you know that I like to paint watercolors, too? They look more like a 12 year old created them than a 22 year old.
I'm afraid to post at this point because then I'll have nothing to distract me from the impending doom of... later today, I guess.
I wish I could have seen the "Beat Generation", the... 50's, 60's really? I just want to see it, I want to see what it's like. You can only gather so much from books. I love researching the 20th century. The massice technological advances, the minor changes, the mid-calf length skirts to the mini skirt. My favorite thing to find is vintage magazines. They give an in depth look at what pop culture was like in that era.
I hate that I can't experience everything in the past. I don't like that what I'm experiencing now doesn't feel like "the past" until it's too late. When does life begin? Real life. Am I going to be sitting at an old bus station waiting for the life that never came because I was waiting for it instead of finding it myself? I hope not. I want to inspire, I want to be happy, I want to make people realize what they're worth. I just don't know how to do it. I'm not lost, I'm frustrated with my limited resources, lack of motivation, and unknown future. Is living in the now a waste of a life or the best way to experience life?
What do you think? |
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[Feb. 26th, 2009|04:48 pm] |
Two inspiring and realistic books about real people later, my outlook on life has gotten easier to change. MY writing has become slightly nonsensical but I hope that I still convey what I'm trying to say in a way that doesn't leave much room for interpretation if you're REALLY reading what I'm typing. The internet lets you read words with the connotations you've already decided on in your head, it's far too impersonal for half the things I'd like to go on long, tangential diatribes about. Even then, it's no fun talking to yourself about the ideas tumbling around in your head. Here's what I have figured out;
I need to be more social. It may take small steps, starting with comfortable people and place and moving on to new and exciting people and places, but I want to do it. Surrounding myself with all sorts of people has always helped me figure myself out and be happy at the same time.
I need to use who I am, the type of person I am, to make goals I can actually achieve. If I try too hard to conform myself to what I think I need to be in order to achieve what I want, it'll do more harm than good. And has. Instead, I need to open up and go after the things I want or need with a willingness to show that I'm capable of doing what it takes to get what I want. When I'm in "MUST. DO. SHIT." mode, rigorous outlines and due dates achieve nothing but feeling negative at the end of the day if I don't get exactly what I wanted. Being open and letting life lead me while also leading myself through various meetings and phone calls will be much easier. Maybe most people don't see a difference, but I can already feel it. I'm not saying I will become everything that I used to be or that it'll be way super easy, instead I'm silencing the self-sabotaging inner voices and letting go of as much negativity as possible in order to allow more positivity towards all of this.
My writing has become wordy, even when trying to describe what's really going on in as little words as possible, but it's hard to compete with the interpretation my writing faces when other people read through it. I try to avoid negative and positive or any connotations with my words and let them speak for themselves, but it's human nature to find the "real" meaning in everything if not given a voice or body expressions to add to the words. To compensate for personality, I try to make up for it with more words. I don't think it's working, I think I sound crazy to most people, but these are my thoughts as-is and I try as hard as I can to make sure I leave nothing open to interpretation. I could condense and I could edit my journal entries, but why bother? When it comes to words on a page or screen, all I can do is hope for the best and hope that people actually read what I'm saying instead of try to interpret what I might be talking about.
Tangents. They're kind of my thing.
I'm a little offbeat, weird, out of the ordinary.
Let me know what you think about all this, I welcome constructive criticism as long as you abide by the golden rule. Do unto others. Later days, freaks and geeks. |
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[Feb. 23rd, 2009|05:54 pm] |
To file as an independent at MCC you have to fill out a form. A form they won't have for a month, and no I can't just make an appointment or something. Why does life throw me stupid little mindfuck curve balls instead of things that make sense but suck? No, it has to be sneaky and find ways to throw me off track unexpectedly.
Like the lady from the beauty school calling me literally 1-2 minutes after I hit submit on a short answer pre-application type thing on their website, VERY HAPPY AND UPBEAT AND IN MY FACE VIA PHONE. What? It said I'd get an e-mail, I was not prepared for this. An hour, even, I would be like wtf but okay. MINUTES. LESS THAN 5 OF THEM!
Now I have this thing to go to on Thursday night, a bunch of people to meet, and an interview to set up as well. All while waiting a month for a dumb little form from MCC. Then, I have to make decisions and sacrifices. In the meantime, I suppose I can get a job now since school wont start for awhile no matter which I choose. And maybe look at some different ones, because I feel like Thursday night is going to be one big high pressure sales pitch.
Yeah, now I go make money or something. Reality is stupid and does weird things, why do I have to play there? I guess I can't say I liked being cooped up inside my head, either, but at least I know what's going on in there or have more control over slight disturbances. I sound bitter and like I'm not taking this seriously/don't want to do all of it, but I'm okay with it. I know I need it and I've grown to WANT it- a change, a sense of direction, a life beyond my own problems.
Here's to jumping in and not letting life go on without you, no matter how old or young you are. I have a lot more I'd like to think outloud about, but how boring is that, really?
later gator days. |
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[Feb. 20th, 2009|11:20 pm] |
I am better for the most part. I still have to rest more than usual, but I'm done taking my medicines, I can get up and move, I even went birthday shopping with Grandma. Life is a little slow at the moment, but I think my body needs it to be. Once everything is back to normal, I'm facing life head on and making something of myself, or at least my time.
I got some cool stuff for my birthday. If anyone wanted to get me something or is feeling like I'm a cool person, I still need to pay my phone bill and any help with that would be awesome. It's a hassle when I need to make or receive important calls from schools or jobs. I'm not begging for money or anything, I've worked around it for awhile now, it's just a luxury thing I'd appreciate. But FYI, I would likely just send you to t-mobile's website and would never see your info. No risks to me made, just an easier life for me.
Either way, if you are reading this at all you are so cool and ilu guys. Thanks for listening.
Also I love John, he is currently hug-attacking me and it's cute so I had to mention it. He's also talking about what I'm typing, and now says hes not sayin stuff. Okay, okay, I'll stop. I'm brain-dead exhausted!
Later Alligators. |
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[Feb. 18th, 2009|01:55 pm] |
I spent Valentines Day feeling weird and unsure, the 15th at Tempe St. Lukes Hospital, for 7 hours, the day after that and the day after THAT loading myself up with tylenol and antibiotics, and here I am. Still have a pretty decent fever, it's hard to move around, and this sickness has ruined all of my fun in February. Unless I am able to move and do things for myself by tomorrow, my birthday will be another disappointment. Wah Wah.
Life goes on, this is only a week out of a month out of so many weeks, months, and years.
I've got pneumonia and a bladder infection, and when I went in I was dehydrated as hell. In case you were wondering. |
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[Jan. 29th, 2009|06:18 pm] |
My 22nd birthday is 2/19/09, what do you think I should do? Anonymous commenting allowed, though screened because I'm lazy and don't want to do anything but press "post".
All of you are welcome to give ideas, even if you don't think you'll be a participant. Please and thank you, keep me out of this rut pls. |
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[Jan. 18th, 2009|02:32 pm] |
I'm trying to make friends with a roommate that is OCD about cleaning, by making sure I do my part.
Problem 1: everything is clean before I get to it, as hard as I try.
Problem 2: if I do find something I could clean, as unnecessary as it may be/hard as I try, it gets cleaned up even better as soon as I leave.
Problem 3: he is a better cleaner than I'll ever be, I always need cleaning products at least.
Problem 4: he doesn't talk to me about it all or even acknowledge my greetings, so I can't ask how to do better. I don't want to seem unable to handle confrontation by just leaving a note, either.
Oh well, it's just frustrating to constantly be around someone and not be at least acquaintances, especially when he has yet to make some attempt as well in order to change our interactions.
I've asked for other stuff (from friends and stuff) to connect with him about, but he seems to have built a shell around himself that rejects friendly gestures... or, he just doesn't want to like me. I will keep trying! I just needed to get this out in a semi-organized way. |
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[Jan. 17th, 2009|09:49 am] |
EDIT: I might not be a real writer, but I should have proofread this while I made sure it was semi-coherent. I'm lazy and don't feel like editing, but I wanted to acknowledge that I KNOW this is full of grammatical mistakes and other nonsensical things. Like I said, I'm not a real writer. This just proves my point.
I'm a writer in the sense that I will write at any time possible about anything possible. I will describe emotions, maybe places, definitely people, and none of it will be considered interesting to anyone but myself. Sometimes I want an audience but most of the time I want privacy and a G2 pen.
No one has been permitted to read the journals I've filled since last December, it's freeing and I can guarantee that someone I don't know won't be reading it and judging me because they're by my side or hidden in rooms. I could fill a small Moleskine (the best for purses, sturdy and just the right size) in a couple of months, and do because it lets me sort out and reflect on my thoughts. Writing in restaurants, bedroom floors, airplanes, and dentist's offices so that I get everything I'm thinking onto paper. I didn't keep up on my journaling as much as I wanted to in 2008 but I filled 4 small sized Moleskines and 1 large, wanna-be Moleskine from Target.
For some reason I find it fascinating to read back on the stuff I worried about and wrote about without hesitation or fear of someone twisting my words to attack me. The truest thoughts come out when no one is watching me write. Honestly I think that having a place for my thoughts to be written out has helped my anxieties more than counseling has, it gives me a chance to read what I wrote and wonder why it worried me as much as it did as well as get out the anxious feeling out (at least, out on paper) before it leads to the sinking, spiraling anxiety attacks I had.
And, finally, my favorite part about writing at any moment it strikes is that I have a chronological time line of the monumental events in my life AND exactly how I felt when I experienced them. My dwelling on the past used to be a problem, but rereading journals shows you that the past isn't something to let consume you. So many of my thoughts are silly in retrospect and irrelevant to my current life even though they WERE my life once.
Livejournal has a few, or less, redeeming qualities. This is a place I go to when I need to air out grievances or thank yous to the people reading this as a way to determine who and what I am. A lot of the time, though, this is where I write when I need an outlet, a place to get my feelings out as soon as possible because I am stressed and near a computer. They may still be true thoughts, but I have to constantly remember who is reading and why they're reading so I edit a lot of it. I might slip up sometimes and let my anger or sadness consume me, it can be embarrassing and lead people to think I'm still a mess. But to delete these entries would be deleting a second, minute, half an hour of my time, thoughts, and frustrations. I learn a lot about myself and how to better myself by reading the entries that shine a bad light on me but I don't have any shame in learning about myself publicly.
This entry alone is completely pointless except to probably Alyson if she's bored, but it is my journal and maybe in a month or so I'll read this and realize, again, that I'm pretty damn ridiculous. Already I'm having my first reaction; when reading over this I realized I wrote in a way that made me sound as though I thought I was the shit at writing and a master of my emotions. I'm not and don't think so, just to clear that up. I have more life stuff to post, but it'd feel tacky to add it to this one. Tune in later (maybe sooner), if what I'm going to do about life in general matters to you.
See you soon. |
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[Jan. 16th, 2009|12:50 am] |
On another note, I hope that the right people read this and everyone else either understands or disregards;
I can finally communicate relatively freely with Jessie and Greg. I get to finally be a big sister, give advice, style hair, everything that a big sister should be able to do at least a little bit. I am really, really grateful for the opportunity, I am glad that I'm not getting anyone in trouble for once.
To be honest, I lashed out because I was taken away from important family members. I said most if not all of the negative statements out of spite and resentment because my sisterly rights were taken from me and no one would give me a chance to get them back. In relation to my last entry, I was talked about but not talked to in order to clarify any of the situation. I wanted my baby brother and sister back at least a little, to not get them in trouble, to have them feel free to tell me about their lives because I was missing out on so much of their important years.
I'd take it all back if only I could have been a part of all of the important times in their lives, to be able to participate in things like birthday parties. I'd have killed to have them at Thanksgiving just to bring a smile to my grandmas face. Everyone deserves to be happy and I am glad I get this first step towards being a part of their lives, finally.
Thanks. |
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[Jan. 16th, 2009|12:37 am] |
I am having one of my first anxiety attacks in a really, really long time. It is really unfortunate, unexpected, unwarranted, and unsettling. There have been people judging me, whispering behind my back, and saying mean things or plain not saying what they feel to my face. I have been rejected, I have been disrespected. I deserve more than this. My life cannot be judged by the way I act around strangers, the way I look, nor how they perceive my life.
I cannot stand up for myself if it's not said to my face and no one else stands up for me. No one ever makes an effort to get to know me, my personality, and my reasons for living. I could handle it for a few days, but a couple of weeks later it's going to drag me down. All I ask is that people consider exactly what they're saying about people they've never given a chance to. I live by the golden rule, I'm intelligent, I'm relatively strong, I love people, I'm pretty confident, and I'm not exactly ugly. There's more, but it's not worth my time to list them here.
No one gives me a chance. I'm worthless and my emotions are unimportant. All of my effort goes into making people happy and a lot of what I get in response is negativity. This isn't fair. Say it to my face, I'll respect you. Say it behind my back and I'll call you a coward. No one that's hurting me will read this, but it felt like it'd release some of the anxiety.
Unfortunately, there are still whispers coming from the other room. |
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[Jan. 13th, 2009|10:06 pm] |
I'm excited and nervous for something that isn't even a big deal. I filled out my FASFA and made an appointment with Toni and Guy Academy for a tour to see if I'd like to attend. If so, I will be make an appointment with the financial adviser of the school and assess my "special circumstances" on my student aid. If all of THAT goes well, I will enroll in school. Finally, after all of these years, I'm starting to at least pursue my dreams. I know that it might seem like a mediocre dream to some, but hair cutting, styling, and creating has been my passion since elementary school (nevermind the fact that I didn't start doing decent cuts until high school).
The fact that I'm making real steps to fulfill them makes me feel accomplished.
I am growing up. Once people stopped insulting me for not contributing to society or going to school, I immediately made the decision to do one (or both) of those things. Not out of spite, not out of revenge, and not to prove anything... just because I was finally able to make up my own mind. This is for myself/my life, and hopefully I can make a few more people proud of me in the process. Though to be honest, I don't really care if anyone gives me kudos. I am taking the steps, I'm making it happen, I'm doing this all on my own. This is what will make me happy, make me feel accomplished. I am ridiculously excited that I am actually following through with plans for the first time in awhile.
I plan to use the money I make as a hairstylist to enroll in a real school (college or university) as a part-time student. It'll me hard and likely take a long time to finish a degree, let alone pay for it, but I don't care as long as I'm constantly learning. I won't be ashamed of myself, my reflection in the mirror, my failures. My strength is shining through, finally, and honestly I have Alyson and John to thank. The two most important people in my life who didn't push me because they believed in me enough to know I'd do what I needed when the time was right.
On a slightly similar note, I've started to become more organized. Healthy. A daily planner is near at all times and I don't go anywhere without my journal. I've gotten creative enough with the few clothes I have that I've been able to make some relatively interesting and newish outfits, saving money in the mean time. Slowly I'm teaching myself how to be a real member of society, more than a party girl or vagrant. From how to look, speak, and walk, I'm molding myself into the woman I could have been if I hadn't procrastinated my entire life. All of this is in hope to give off that air of confidence I keep hidden to stay humbled. My goal is to be and feel presentable and worthy of any praise received. On top of all this, I'm attempting to eat healthier with a bit of success, and slowly getting into shape with the help of John, my exercise extraordinaire of a boyfriend.
I've won the lottery, and all the pain and suffering has finally paid off. I might finally make it after all. Of course there will still be naysayers, but if I can prove to myself I can do this none of that will matter. Thank you all.
P.S. My birthday is 2/19, do any of you have suggestions on what to do for my 22nd? Send me an IM, facebook msg, etc if you would like to celebrate with me. Inviting people only disappoints if good friends don't show up, so it's up to you guys to let me know if you're up to hanging out that day or weekend! I might make an event if enough people express interest. |
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[Dec. 31st, 2008|07:47 pm] |
From my resolution post last year:
"New year;
-Fix what I broke (car, friendships, hearts)
-Lose 20lbz
-Put more effort into how I present myself physically and otherwise
-Get happy
-Fall in love? Yeah, right. I'm too crazy for that."
I managed to become friends again with the people that I had lost in 2007 and before, most of what I had broken was fixed or patched up. Success.
I lost 40 pounds, gained back some, but overall lost at least 20. Success.
I put a lot more effort into myself and my presentation, got back into the groove of looking nice. Success.
I am finally happier than ever. Success.
I thought I fell in love (Logan), then actually fell in love (John), this year. Double success?
Next year;
-Lose 10lbs
-Start Cosmology schooling
-Get a decent paying job
-Get a car all on my own
-Stay happy
-Keep John happy/relationship intact
2008 was a year of learning, and definitely was a year worth living. I will be ringing in the New Year in Ohio with John, which is definitely better than sitting alone in Arizona though a whole lot colder. I am starting the year as a brunette, I wonder what color my hair will be when 2009 comes to an end.
One thing is for sure, 2009 will start as a good year. I hope that at the very least it is as interesting and full of learning as 2008. Thanks to everyone that was involved in my life in 2008, you made it one of the best years of my life.
Later days. |
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[Dec. 29th, 2008|03:06 pm] |
This is more for me than my friends list so feel free to disregard, it is public so that I can 1. give some people insight to my brain if they care to read further and 2. open myself up to any commentary from the peanut gallery.
I notice and analyze more than most people realize.
For example, take one of my recent entries, when I mentioned that a certain someone was bitter they didn't have her own child with a man. I didn't hear it from anyone, I didn't need to, her reactions (or the ones I could observe indirectly) told me everything. Treating step-children like a woman who was pining for her own children with the man would, practically a textbook example of the case. The jealously that caused everything and every reaction ran rampant and was almost tangible. Conclusions such as "she had to find a flaw in all that she could to justify the jealousy, to tell herself that she's better than the mother of the children" were a direct result of watching and analyzing reactions. I'm continuously brought back to the spotlight in her life though I have absolutely nothing to do with her life, beyond being related to kids she's is being a step-in parent for. Anyone who is interested enough in the way the human mind works can tell you the reason could be as simple as futile attempts at moving the spotlight from (what she sees as) her own shortcomings in life and distracting people from things they wouldn't have seen otherwise. Combining the reactions, the tangible jealousy, the constant negativity towards my family- I made that hypothesis.
Yeah, I'm smart enough to figure this kind of stuff out on my own, I don't need middle school minions to tell me what's going on in your life. Please leave them out of this because they are doing their absolute best to keep the peace between everybody. They don't deserve to be punished for the things I can guess correctly by simple observation. Same goes for all the people close to me that get caught in the crossfire of my words. Mental instability is almost a moot point these days anyway, all my diagnosis' are at least a year old and for the most part treated. I don't need pills to make me happy, I do just fine on my own and anyone that's actually gotten to know me could tell you that. Spying won't get you anywhere, especially because you're reading words written when I have more time to write, the times I am bored and resenting it, or when I need to vent in order to deal with what's happening in my life (as I know most people do).
I had my journal public in order to show that I am more than what you see on the outside. To show bravery, intelligence, and personal growth. If anyone took the time to look past the words I write and instead at the style of my writing they'd gain more insight into who I am than words could ever convey which is exactly the same as saying look past what you see and more into who I am, coincidentally. I am not afraid of the things people could, would, and have said about me. I am comfortable enough with myself and strong enough to make it through anything (however unexpected) thrown at me. Unfortunately my words are also used as ammunition against others who never asked for it. I'm never the one to put myself above people I care for so I am conceding, finally, and putting my thoughts behind a password protected veil.
I would have thought better of people twice my age or older, a 21 year old girl shouldn't be persecuted for being brave enough to stand by her own imperfections. OTHER PEOPLE punishing/persecuting OTHER PEOPLE for MY imperfections was something I thought was impossible (or at least illogical). I can only hope this entry doesn't do any MORE damage to the people I know and love than this entire journal already has.
In summary;
ME: "Eventually they will run out of ways to relate what I say to other people, and wont be able to even illogically punish them"
ALYBEE: "Never underestimate crazy people."
ME: "Truth." |
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[Dec. 28th, 2008|02:40 pm] |
I never knew my life would be interesting to anyone other than people on my friends list, if even that. Since I've finally had the time to sit down and actually do this, all entries are friends only and will continue to be friends only for the sake of my sanity and the sanity of anyone and everyone involved in my life, my family especially. I am not my family and they are not me, do not judge me by their actions and do not judge them by my actions.
I am Nicole Wester, I have my own personality, my own mind, and make my own decisions based on my own experiences. I am not ashamed of my past nor my family (past and present), I am ashamed of anyone who would judge me without knowing anything about who I really am and what I stand for. My family is paramount in my life, followed by close friends and boyfriend. All of these people have helped me get to where I am today and I am proud to say that I am the happiest I have ever been. Alyson has always been an awesome friend and John helps me more than any boyfriend ever has in my life. I got rid of everything I could and its time to go into e-hiding. Goodbye public. |
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